Starting Fresh
by melissa122683
Summary: Stella has a new lease on life, will the plans she made when she was dying be the best ones for her when she gets to live?


Stella was dancing with Sadie next to her hospital bed, the two were laughing and signing way to badly for anyone not to notice and laugh. Stella had been volunteering at the hospital for 4 months now, and she had been helping Sadie try to get into to clinical trials for three and a half. The two had grown so close that they were almost like sisters. It helped that now Stella spent a good 8 to 10 hours a day at the hospital. After she found out that she never graduated from high school she went and got her GED, then she applied for a job as an assistant to Dr. Grant about two months ago. It was a perfect match because it was her job to help him sign up his patients for clinical trials. Stella spent hours on tedious paper work, calling and begging for admission for Will's patients. Between her work hours and her volunteer hours, it seemed like she lived in the hospital most of the time.

Wes had been excited for her when she switched over to the hospital because it was clear she did not love working at the coffee shop, she always came home a little sad and tired. But when she came home from the hospital, no matter how long her days was. She was happy and even if she was tired, she knew she was making a difference. In the last two months she had gotten 3 of Will's patients into clinical trials. She was working on 2 other patients and Sadie, so far, every single one that she had been signed up for had rejected her for one reason or another. At times Stella had felt defeated, at one point after another rejection, she had gone into Will's office, collapsed on his couch and cried. He had found her as tears silently poured down her face, and it broke his heart in a way nothing else ever had before.

He walked over and pulled her into his arms, "You can't always win, no matter how much you try… sometimes you lose." He had whispered as she had cried into his shirt. "The key is to keep trying."

Stella shook her head, "How do I keep telling Sadie that she has been turned down? How do I tell her that I can't get her in?" Stella whispered into Will's shirt.

Will shook his head, "You don't tell her the bad news, you tell her the good." He said rubbing his hand up and down her back. When she leaned back to look at him with a question in her eyes he smiled and said, "That you still have 8 more that you are going to try and get her in. That you have already sent out information to 3 of them. Give her a reason to look forward and not give up."

Stella slowly pulled out of his arms and sat back on the couch, "I understand. It just…. Sucks so much sometimes. She is this bright amazing girl and I want to help her, but it seems like no matter what I do, I just keep failing." She whispered brokenly.

Will sat back next to her and laid his head on the back of the couch, "I know… trust me, I know. I try to detach…. I try to pull away. …. But every once in a while, there is that one patient that hooks their way into your heart and when you can't help them…... it takes a little piece away from you." He said closing his eyes.

Stella copied his movements, head back and eyes closed, "How do you deal with it, again?"

He gave a humorless laugh, "I thought we went over this already."

She shrugged, not opening her eyes, "Remind me again." She said softly.

"You take the wins when you get them." He turned his head to look at her, "And you take the losses the best you can without letting them get to you."

She nodded, eyes still closed looking defeated, so he went on, "You have three wins already. Three people that you have helped. Take those wins as meaning that you can do this…. You have already done this…... then go back and try again."

Stella took a deep breath, "Ok take the wins, remember that I can do this…. Make it happen." She said opening her eyes and turning her head to look at him. Waiting a moment before she whispered, "What if I fail… with the most important person." Her eyes getting damp again.

Will looked right into her eyes, "You can't wait to fail…. Or worry about failing…. That is when you will feel defeated before you start." He reached out and grabbed her hand rubbing his thumb over the top to comfort her. "Plus, you are not alone in this. You have me and we will get her help."

Stella nodded at him, took a deep breath and stood up with a smile, "OK, I can do this. Before I go talk to her, I am going to make sure that I have good news too, so I need to call the next trial and see where she is on the list."

Will smiled as he watched her almost march over to his desk, where she sat down like it was hers and pulled over the phone. He half listened to her talking to the entrance doctor of the next trial. He sat back and closed his eyes again, he had come in to tell her about Sadie's new labs. They were not good but now he didn't have the heart to Stella. He would run them again tomorrow hoping for a change.

That was three weeks ago, and it had brought Will and Stella closer than ever. Both having the emotional roller-coaster of the toll of caring so much about the patients. They both felt the triumphs when another one of Will's patients made it into a trial. They both felt the pain when Sadie was rejected from two more trials. Will had not caught Stella crying again but he did see the signs of stress on her face. The tiered look, the red eyes from both lack of sleep and tears he knows she cried in secret. And it broke his heart when Sadie's labs kept getting worse and he had to tell Stella.

He could still remember the conversation, it was like she took the bad news and made it a fire. When he broke the news, she stood up and just walked away. He had to chase her down the hallway.

"Stella what are you doing." He asked trying to keep pace with her and she marched down the hallway, her skirt flittering in the wind she was creating in her haste. But she didn't even look at him, she just looked ahead and kept going, her face set in stone. Finally, he grabbed her arm gently to stop and turn her to him, "Stella look at me…. What are you doing?" He asked.

She looked him straight in the face, "We don't have time for this I have to go call the next trial right now…I am going to call every single one, over and over again until one of them takes her. No more asking and waiting." She said pulling her arm out of his hand and turning to walk into his office. He didn't see her the rest of that day or the evening until he went into his office to get his things to leave. He could hear her arguing on the phone with someone. He waited until she got off the phone before pulling the chair out from behind the desk. Then he put his hands on her shoulders and made her look up at him, "You have to take a breath…. It is 9pm… have you been in here all day making phone calls?" He asked her gently.

She nodded at him, "Yes and I am going to stay here until someone says yes." She said trying to pull away, so she could go back to the phone, but Will held her tightly. "NO." He whispered, "You have to go home and get some rest. You have to work tomorrow."

Stella shook her head at him, "NO, I am not leaving until I get someone to say yes, someone to take her." Stella stopped and tried to pull away again, but Will grabbed her wrists and pulled her out of the chair, "What good will you be if you get sick again? If you run yourself to the point where you can't help her? You need sleep and you need to eat. Have you eaten anything since this morning?"" He demanded and sighed when she shook her head.

"I will sleep and eat when I get a yes…... she doesn't have time Will…. She doesn't have time for me to waste." She said loudly trying to pull away. But Will just tightened his grip.

"What about you Stella? Who is going to make sure you eat and rest, so you don't get sick? How are you going to help Sadie if you burn out? How are you going to help anyone else?" Will whispered slowly letting her wrists go so he could take her hands.

Stella shook her head at him, but it wasn't tears that came to her eyes, it was anger, "Sadie is the only one that matters. Nothing else." She said fiercely.

Will shook his head at her, "That is not true Stella…. You matter too… just as much… and if you go down this road, you will lose…a part of yourself, a part of your sanity… I have been down this road. In the end you can't help anyone if you don't take care of you." He said gently. "You need to go home…. You need to sleep… then come back tomorrow and try some more, ok?"

But Stella ripped her hands out of his and said in a broken voice, "Maybe that is why you can't save everyone. Because you go home, but I am not going to fail, I am going to save her. With or without your help." She said as she turned and walked out of the door.

Will sat down heavily in his chair, Stella's words cutting him like a knife. Yet he knew that she didn't mean them. He had once been as cruel with his words when he felt like he was losing. His had been said to his mother when she took his brother off life-support. Looking back now he realized his mother was doing the best she could, that she had given nearly everything. It had happened once more when he first become an oncologist, his mentor was trying to save the life of a little boy. Will knew now that it hit him so hard because the boy looked like his brother, so lost and broken on the bed. When he was told there was nothing else they could do, the boy smiled and said it was ok. And Will broke. He had to leave the room walking away until his mentor followed him. Will didn't even remember what he had said, only that he had been sent home to rest and think about his place in the hospital. The next day his mentor sat him down and said that even he once had a break down like Will's, but that going forward, in order to help he would have to try and detach. He explained that some patients would be easier than others, but every once in a while, one would break through all the way in your heart. Those were the hardest, but you have to be able to move on… because of you can't, then you are not helping anyone. Take the wins, he said and try to weather the losses.

Will sat back in his chair trying to breathe through the pain. The pain of not being able to help Sadie, the one who had made it past his barriers and into his heart, the pain of Stella hurting and his inability to make it better. He sat there for 10 minutes just letting himself feel overwhelmed, lost and frustrated. Then he took a deep breath and went home to face the next day. He could still remember the next morning when Stella walked into his office her face sad and eyes red. She hadn't said anything, just walked over to where he was standing and pulled him into a hug. She held on for quite a while before pulling back, looking him in the eyes and whispering, "I am so, so sorry, I know that you care too." Her voice broke on the last word and he smiled gently and pulled her back in, his lips going to her ear, "I know. Ready to face today?" He asked.

She pulled back and gave him a wobbly smile, "Yep, I need to make a few phone calls then I was going to go visit Sadie and a few others for a while if that works for you?" She said, walking over to his desk to sit down.

Will smiled at her, "That is my desk, you know." She waved her hand at him, picking up the phone to make a call. "You always sit on the couch anyway." She said not even looking up. Little did she know that he only started doing that when she was sitting at his desk. Having her laughing or talking in the office always seemed to calm him and help him think better. So, if that meant giving up his desk he was fine with it. That was only 4 days ago, so to walk in to see Stella and Sadie laughing and singing, his heart skipped a beat.

Will wasn't sure when she had fully wormed her way into his heart, but she was there firm and solid. When she laughed and smiled, it made him laugh and smile. When she was sad or upset, he was sad and upset. He had begun to look forward to coming into work now, just to see her. To feel her presence. His days off that were once his time to relax and detach became lonely and long. He knew she was married, she talked about Wes often enough. Each time it broke his heart a little more. He never pushed her past the point of friendship because he would rather have her here as a friend then lose her completely. He pushed his feelings down and took out his phone to record the two, knowing that may need a laugh and the memory later. When Stella caught sight of him her grin got bigger and she sang a little louder, dancing over to him to pull him to Sadie. Will laughed freely for the first time in months, feeling the day wash away with laughter and singing.

When the song came to an end, Stella reached over and turned down the radio before turning to Will, her eyes bright and her smile huge. "Oh my god, guess what Will." She said in an excited voice, "Guess what." She said jumping and down in excitement.

Will smiled so much that the lines around his eyes crinkled. "What?"

"I got her in." Stella yelled jumping up into Will's arms, "I got Sadie into the trial we were talking about this week. They said she could start on Monday!"

Will's excitement matched her own when he yelled back and swung her in a circle. "MONDAY?" he yelled. They both turned to Sadie who was grinning like a loon a them, "Are you ready?" Will asked his arm still wrapped around Stella's shoulder.

Sadie nodded at them, "Stella was telling me some of the side effects but honestly, I am so excited to try that I don't care. I mean can it really be worse than chemo?" She said laughing.

Will and Stella both laughed with her, Stella pointing a finger at her, "Hay there are things worse than chemo…." Stella said with a laugh.

Sadie put her hands on her hips, "Yea, what is that?" She said.

Stella burst out laughing, "Not sure yet, but when I find it I will let you know!" She exclaimed to her. Will burst out laughing at both of them, but they all turned when they heard someone clear their throat at Sadie's door way.

Wes was standing there looking back and forth from Will who still had his arm around Stella, to Stella. Stella smiled brighter and slipped out from under Will's arm to run to Wes. She didn't see the frown he had on his face, or the way he looked over at Will, "Wes, guess what." Stella said jumping up and down again. She pulled back, sliding her hand into his, and led him over to Will and Sadie. "Will and I got Sadie into the clinical trial I was telling you about. She starts on Monday." Stella said bouncing on her toes her grin over taking her face. "All of the work is finally paying off." She said.

Sadie rolled her eyes, "Hay your work has been paying off for weeks and weeks. You and Will have gotten 4 others into clinical trials besides me. That is more than the hospital usually has in a year the nurse told me." Sadie said.

Stella rolled her eyes, "Yea, yea but I got you in one too." Stella said still bouncing.

Will grinned at Stella, "Well the only reason we have had this many accepted is because Stella does all of the word. All I do is give her the information and the trials. She fills out everything, calls everyone and nagged them until their ears bleed and they accept you guys." He said winking at Sadie.

Sadie laughed at Will, "Stella Nag? I have never heard that before." She said grinning at Will.

"HAY." Stella said with a laugh, "I don't nag…. I persuade…. Forcefully…. never endingly…all day… and into the night if I have to." Stella finished with another laugh.

Wes looked around the group feeling completely left out, starting back and forth from Will to Stella, both where looking at Sadie smiling. Wes cleared his throat again, "That's great…. congratulations." He said politely with no emotion making Stella look at him with a frown, "Stella we have dinner reservations." Wes said looking down at her with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

Stella narrowed her eyes at him, "OK…" She turned to look at Will and Sadie, "I will be in first thing tomorrow to go over all of the instructions the trial sent me. We have to make sure that you are ready by Monday." She told Said with smile.

Sadie smiled back at her, but before she could say anything Wes cut in, "We have plans tomorrow to go to the beach with your mum, sister and her family." He said with a frown.

Sadie gave him another look with a question in her eyes, "Yes but I am sure that my mom and sister will understand that this has to be done."

Wes pulled away from her, "And what about your husband? You have cancelled the last 6 out of 7 plans to work." He said to her softly, trying to get her to acknowledge the divide that was happening between them. Trying to get her to choose him instead of this place just once. But Stella just shook her head at him not understanding, before turning back to Sadie and Will who were trying to look everywhere but at the two of them.

Stella smiled at Sadie gently, "I will be here tomorrow to help you, ok." She said softly, then pulled her into a hug, "I am so happy and excited." She pulled back, "We are going to help you through this." She said looking at Will who nodded and smiled at them. Stella took a step back, "See you tomorrow." The she turned to Wes, "We better go we have reservations."

But you could tell as that walked out of the room that it was not going to be a happy night. They stood slightly apart, not touching each other. Both moving with stiff hard movements.

Sadie turned to Will, "I don't think he makes her that happy." She said with a frown.

Will looked at her in confusion, "What are you talking about?" He asked arms folded.

Sadie shrugged, "She used to talk about Wes all of the time, with this big happy smile…. But the last few weeks … I don't know… she was coming in sadder… not as bubbly. At first, I thought it was stress because of me. But then I would see her around here and she would be laughing and smiling…. And she talks less and less about Wes. The last thing she told me was that he lied to her again." Sadie said softly. "I think she is trying to stay happy but it's not working."

Wes looked back at Stella and Wes who were waiting for the elevator, "She seems fine when I see her." He said softly thinking back to all the times he has seen her upset or worried and began to wonder how much of it was the stress from here…and how much might have been the stress from home.

"Watch her when she comes in tomorrow, you will see what I mean." Sadie said. Will nodded absently at her before giving her a smile and telling her to get some rest. He thought about all of it as he walked back to his office.


End file.
